How can something unspoken be so loud!!
The last few days have been a struggle, so many things occurring in my life, but I don’t seem to be moving forward, in fact I am not moving anywhere at all……. fast. My frustration is that I dont seem to be able to take that next step to move towards something that resembles the future that I dream of. And reading all of the blogs from others I wonder how you get the strength to go on.
This weekend M and I had some child-free time, which of course means that we are supposed to have sex. I remember many years ago reading a book in which the main character describes himself as having a hotel-relationship with his wife, they only have sex when they stay away from home in hotels. Well that is pretty much the sex life that M and I have shared for the past 22 years. Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary, and when we are awya from home. My wife once commented that Ansell would not make millions out of me. Well it possibly would but not of me and her. Anyhow, let me just say that last night was yet another night when I just “could not perform”, this is definitely not a problem where guys are concerned, just with M. So after a frustrating period of attempting to have some sort of sexual pleasure between us, I gave up, M in her usual style apologised to me and held me as I pretended to fall asleep in her arms. She never questions when this happens, just accepts that it has and forgives me.
I lay there for hours feeling like a complete bastard, thinking ‘… if only I could say the words that would give her some explanation…” I was close last night, but I still could not bring myself to say those words. I love her so much for the way that she has loved me and the way that she has been so loving and giving for the past 22 years. I know once I speak the words that must be spoken that our lives as we know them will be finished, reading Anginae’s blog I can see the pain that the words have caused in her life and cannot fathom, he impact that they will have on my wife.
The conversation that my life has become with others will change irrevocably, the unfinished conversations of my interactions with my friends and families may become just that unfinished, incomplete a part of all of the fragmented parts of my life. Another reminder of how the unspoken rules in our life until it is uttered.
But, I still wonder how can the unspoken be so loud in my life, why is it the thing that I think about as I go to sleep each night and the thoughts that envelop me as I wake the next morning. The thoughts of how can I get through this day with the monkey on my back that I carry everywhere with me.
The roar of the unspoken is louder every day in my life, I know the only way to stop the roar is to have the courage and strength to speak the truth. Lord, give me that courage.
WOW….
You just described my “former” marriage of 23 years! Although we have now been divorced for 6 years, I still haven’t the courage to let her know that it wasn’t her, it was me and that I am gay.
And yes, you’re right the roaring gets louder everyday….
Kevin
Thanks Kevin,
It is amazing that so many people share such a similar story to you and I, the roaring of what is unspoken gets louder all of the time.I wonder if once it is spoken does it reduce or stop?
Thanks for your comments.
Quin
Quin, I too pray everyday for the courage to speak the truth… even though the “facts” are out on the table, as it were, there are still so many things left unsaid.
For me, it seems this journey is still just beginning.
Be patient with yourself. One day, the time will be right, and you will say what needs to be said for that day. And soon another day will come… and another, brighter day will come. That is my hope and prayer.
Hi Thanks for the comments, hadn’t heard from you for a while so thanks for posting.
I know that patience is required in this sitation, the time will come and will find the strength to get through it all. It is just waiting, takes soooooo much energy at times to get through each day. This journey will be long and I know will in no way be over when I speak the unspoken.
Best wishes,
Hello, I was married for 4 years to my husband before he ‘came out’ although I was angry It was also a great relief as it became obvious something was very wrong between us, I am so grateful to know the truth – because almost a year later, after I worked through my inevitable anger I see that it has set both of us free – the love that we shared as human beings was real which is why living a lie almost destroyed us both, now our lives are free from a lot of guilt and pain and frustration – I still see him, hes one of my best friends and I will always truly love him which is why I wish him all the love in the world.