everyday of my life I spend stepping around the elephant in the middle of my room.  It invades my space and makes my heart feel burdened. 

Why is it that those around me dont see my elepant. Or is it that the elephant is just mine. I wish that I could just say those words to my wife that I need to say so that the elephant mght at least move from the middle of my space to the corner.  How do I find the strength to say those words that will eventually destroy my life as it is today.   The problem is that this mess we are in is all my fault, I walked into this marriage with both eyes closed and a prayer in my heart that some how this marriage would cure the elephant that was in my life.  I thought it would, the people I loved and trusted had told me that marriage to a good woman would cure it all for me…… you know what…… it didn’t.  My wife, the most beautiful, honest, loving, caring and wonderful person that I know, how can I have hurt this much, how can I have destroyed the most beautiful thing that I had.

it has been so long since I have posted here, so much has happened and at the same time nothing has happened.  I struggle to think of a reason why I have not blogged in the last few months – I am sorry I have no excuse….

It is coming towards the end of the year and the expectations of Christmas and holidays is spurring some anticipation within my family.  I always find this a much harder time of the year to think of leaving my wife and kids, the planning and expectancy of the next few months powers me on at the moment.

It is difficult to think of a life alone with so much going on here, but things have started to move that means I must consider my future.

About 6 years ago I had a short affair with a guy I met at a beat in Brisbane, he was a wonderful guy, a great personality and vey loving. I know had I been free at the time the relationship would have gone much further. I have since run into him again and realise that I still have feelings for him and him for me, I dont know where this will lead but am waiting with much nervousness to find out.

The last few days have been a struggle, so many things occurring in my life, but I  don’t seem to be moving forward, in fact I am not moving anywhere at all……. fast.  My frustration is that I dont seem to be able to take that next step to move towards something that resembles the future that I dream of. And reading all of the blogs from others I wonder how you get the strength to go on.

This weekend M and I had some child-free time, which of course means that we are supposed to have sex.  I remember many years ago reading a book in which the main character describes himself as having a hotel-relationship with his wife, they only have sex when they stay away from home in hotels.  Well that is pretty much the sex life that M and I have shared for the past 22 years.  Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary, and when we are awya from home. My wife once commented that Ansell would not make millions out of me. Well it possibly would but not of me and her.  Anyhow, let me just say that last night was yet another night when I just “could not perform”, this is definitely not a problem where guys are concerned, just with M.  So after a frustrating period of attempting to have some sort of sexual pleasure between us, I gave up, M in her usual style apologised to me and held me as I pretended to fall asleep in her arms.  She never questions when this happens, just accepts that it has and forgives me. 

I lay there for hours feeling like a complete bastard, thinking ‘… if only I could say the words that would give her some explanation…” I was close last night, but I still could not bring myself to say those words.  I love her so much for the way that she has loved me and the way that she has been so loving and giving for the past 22 years. I know once I speak the words that must be spoken that our lives as we know them will be finished, reading Anginae’s blog I can see the pain that the words have caused in her life and cannot fathom, he impact that they will have on my wife.

The conversation that my life has become with others will change irrevocably, the unfinished conversations of my interactions with my  friends and families may become just that unfinished, incomplete a part of all of the fragmented parts of my life.  Another reminder of how the unspoken rules in our life until it is uttered.

But, I still wonder how can the unspoken be so loud in my life, why is it the thing that I think about as I go to sleep each night and the thoughts that envelop me as I wake the next morning.  The thoughts of how can I get through this day with the monkey on my back that I carry everywhere with me.

The roar of the unspoken is louder every day in my life, I know the only way to stop the roar is to have the courage and strength to speak the truth.  Lord, give me that courage.

Well, it is now a while since I have posted, this is mainly due to my Internet being down something went wrong in the local exchange with the broadband linkages, it has taken a week to be fixed… so I have not been on here much to update and to post for the past week.
And while that is a nice, convenient excuse it is probably not the reality for me. Since coming back from Sydney I have been in turmoil. Seeing the different life that some same-sex attracted guys have the opportunity to lead, makes me really question all the things in my life that I have valued, my beliefs, my church, my family.
As I write this I watch my daughter playing in the back yard with our dog, scattering the autumn leaves as they run and chase each other, how beautiful this part of my life is, how can I possibly question that what I have with her, my son and my wife is not something of value, of immense worth, am I really prepared to throw this all away for a dream of being with a man… …there is part of me that screams NO, while another part says… …yes.
While I stay in my marriage I feel that there is only one part of me that is really alive, one part is hidden, is dark is separate to me. I feel hollow, that there are parts of me that will never be recognised as of value of being a worthy part of who I am.
Recently I have spent a lot of time listening to an artist by the name of Graeme Connors, an Australian artist who probably really falls into the description of being a country artist (not at all what I usually listen to… … give me Meatloaf or Leonard Cohen any time.). One of his songs however is called ‘Let it Rain’.

Let it Rain

(Words and Music: Graeme Connors)

I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling,
You lie on your side staring at the wall,
And there’s a gap wider than the Nullarbor,
Between us tonight there’s nothing left worth fighting for,
Up on the hill a lone dingo’s howlin’
Should get my gun and blow the mongrel away,
But I’m not sure I can count on my trigger finger,
This kind of heat does things to a man

Oh let it rain let it rain,
I can’t take much more let it rain,
Oh let it rain let it rain,
I can’t take much more let it rain

I hate this life it’s hard and mean and lonely,
I hate myself for letting it wear me down,
If only our love was strong enough to save me,
’Cause here in my heart I’m dry as sun bleached bone

Oh let it rain let it rain,
I can’t take much more let it rain,
Oh let it rain let it rain,
I can’t take much more let it rain,
Oh let it rain let it rain,
I can’t take much more let it rain

Copyright 1996 The Panama Music Company Pty. Ltd.

While on the surface this song is about the struggle of living in the harsh climate of Australia’s north, with the heat and drought, waiting for the quenching summer rains, underneath this is the story of the relationship, a story that I know only too well. How many times have I faced away from my wife in our bed with a “gap wider than the Nullarbor” between us, the lone dingo howling on the hill voices my unspoken fears and concerns about coming out, about my gayness about the thing that is not spoken within the marriage, but exists out side as something that I wish I could ‘…blow the mongrel away.’
But perhaps the sharpest resonance within this song is more in the verse: “I hate this life it’s hard and mean and lonely, I hate myself for letting it wear me down, If only our love was strong enough to save me, ’Cause here in my heart I’m dry as sun bleached bone.”. This articulating what it is too hard for me to articulate myself, the hardness of living everyday, the hatred of myself that has become just a part of my life that I have learned to except and the dryness within my life that makes me yearn for the an environment that is welcoming, and enhancing of growth.
Let it Rain…………………………..

… come to the edge ot the cliff and they look over, then run away in fear. They never realise it’s possible to fly, to soar away,to be free. They spend their lives crawling along cliff tops without ever finding the courage. Don’t spend you life crawling…

From Micheal Dobbs – To Play The King, David Mycroft the Kings press secretary has left his wife and discovered lover with another man, but is struggling coming to terms with his new gay love.  Kenny (his new love) challenges him with this great statement….

It is a challenge to us all.

During my recent trip to Sydney I had time to meet with my LIfe Coach, through the last couple of weeks we had identified for me that one of the challenges for me was that the “gay lifestyle” (dont you hate that term) clashed directly with my personal values, and that the times in my life that were difficult were the times when my values and the decisions that I made really clashed.

So with that thought we worked through a values exercise, this was very challenging, and I came out the other end of it emotionally drained, but below is the results of that exercise……

My Personal Values:

Value: Loyalty

Belief: Loyalty is the daily demonstration of my love for others.

Value: Intimacy

Belief: Intimacy is a space of deeper connection.

Value: Connection

Belief: Connection enables me to have a sense of belonging to others and them to me.

Value: Belonging

Belief: Belonging gives me a sense of meaning and purpose 

Value: Integrity

Belief: Integrity is being true to myself and others.

Value: Creativity

Belief: Creativity is an opportunity to express my true self.

Value: Social Justice

Belief: Social Justice enables me to treat others and act on their behalf to gain fairness and equity.

Value: Success

Belief: Success is an acknowledgement of my achievements.

Value: Fulfilment

Belief: Encouraging personal growth leads to fulfilment.

Value: Independence

Belief: Independence enables me to make the right decisions & be responsible for my own life.

Value: Individuality

Belief: Individuality creates diversity and acceptance

The purpose of my trip to Sydney was to attend a conference. The conference was on ageing and in paticular re-enablement in ageing (we used to call it rehabilitation!!!) One of the key note speakers identified that research had shown that one of the primary cause of chronic stress within the home situation is lack of control over destiny, it also identified that lack of control was a major determinant of health status resulting in: increased Blood Pressure, increased heart problems and particularly effected men in their 40’s – 50’s.

He also identified that a lack of control over destiny also resulted in a loss in self-efficacy, as you cannot be efficacious in your life without control.

Control within your life results in increased engagement, optimism, restorative significance and resilience. 

Wow was he just talking about ageing….. seems there was something in that for me too…. taking control

… what an experience….

WOW

a week in Sydney…

OK well I had a fantastic week visiting Sydney this week…. it really shattered me… the freedom that you can witness just by walking around the city, guys are walking around as couples in so much openess compared to when I was younger. It was very challenging to see the guys, young and old, beautiful and those who had perhaps seen a bit more of life openly displaying their sexuality…

Three events highlighted my week in Sydney, meeting a friend of mine who I met via the intranet, in a similiar situation to me, we had a great time talking openly about our situations, supporting each other, spending time together talking about how things are for us.

The second event was having dinner with this friend and a mutual friend in Oxford Street.  The feature of this night was a visit to the MIdnight Shift, a gay bar. This was my first visit to a gay bar since I was about 18 (read about my first visit in My Story) it was quite disconcerting sitting in a bar with only men, knowing that they were all (or mostly) like you… sitting there with these two friends, bought home to me that the situation we are in is a brotherhood that we live in, a brotherhood that needs to be supportive andcaring towards its members.  We went from the Midnight Shift to a nearby Thai Restaurant, where again we sat and talked about our lives, events, feelings openly in the resaurant amid other diners. it was a very liberating feeling.

My third experience will take a little more than this post to talk about and discuss… but the short version is that I met a lovely young man while attending the conference and spent three wonderful days and nights with him.  It was amazing, if I was to pick one highlight however of the week, I would pick: kissing this guy while looking at the lights of Sydney from the Opera House… exhilirating.

HI I have not blogged for a little while now, due to a hectic work schedule… this week I am travelling to Sydney for a conference, so will post some blogs on my thoughts after my first visit to Oxford Street….