Loved into Life….

… tonight I went to a session at our church titled Loved into Life.  It was presented by a priest from another parish.  I found it very challenging, he started by talking through the history of ‘modern’ catholic theology, his main message was that the church had got it so wrong on what it means to love and what it means to be holy.

He talked about how to love you must first be loved and that you cannot give love without first recieving it, he related to this that the church often withdrew love from people rather than giving it.  He spoke of how the catholic church had spent some time withdrawing love from those people who chose a different love than the church endorsed.  He also spoke of how the church confused holiness with wholeness and it was really the people leading the everyday lives that were living lives of wholeness and holiness.

A refreshing voice on the church…..

 

Graduation

Well, this weekend, after 5 years of constant struggle, I have completed my degree, I am now qualified (to do the job I have done for the past 10 years).  What a feeling of accomplishment it was yesterday to walk onto that stage and get my testamur from the Chancellor in front of my family.

5 years of doing 4 subjects a year….what will I now do with all of this time….

Everyday….

It is a while since I have written something here (and thank you to the two people who have emailed me to check all was OK.)

Everyday, I struggle with my same-sex attraction, I am certainly not strong I resisting the temptations that this brings my way.  The thoughts and the actual opportunities that arise with out my really seeking out such times.

The pressure that this places on me firstly as a married man and secondly as a christian is huge.  Now I am certainly not as educated in the bible as some of my fellow journey men are (such as my friend, throughthestorm ) so could never put up  coherent or well articulated response, either in support of or against same-sex-attraction.  However as a person who considers them selves to always try to live by christian ideals I have a firm belief that the life that I lead now is wrong because of its deceitful nature, but, I consider the life that I want to lead in the future of the SSA man in a monogamous, same sex relationship to be one that would bring both authenticity and peace to my life.

The every day struggle that I face at the moment is one that weighs heavily upon me.  The constant weight of what this is doing to my family, my children and my wife lives with me every day, it makes every day a struggle, the pressure in my chest is sometimes so strong because of the stess of the situation.

It is only a peace that comes through believing that there is an end and that that end will bring relief that makes each day possible.

My Story…

Hi All,

at the moment I am updating the ‘My Story’ page.  I have written a great deal about my life here over the past few days.  I have a feeling, that to unravel my future I need to understand my past, it has amazed me how much I have added to this as I started typing.  Every time I write something it raises something else and I go back and add it.

I have recalled a lot of things that, over time, I had put into the back of my mind.  Things like an older gay man who would have been a wonderful mentor, had I allowed him; a crush I had on a friend at school; opportunities to relate to other same-sex attracted guys as a teenager.

I am not sure wether to continue to write these in the ‘My Story’ section or to put them in as separate blogs, if there is an experienced blogger out ther who would like to give me advice, I would greatly accept it!!

Q..

Do you love me?

I was recently asked by another blogger about my feelings for my wife.

In the last few days I have thought of this often, through this examination, I have come to think of Tevya, from Fiddler on the Roof, who asks his wife of twenty-five years, “Do you love me?”  Golda responds with a litany of daily chores and duties she has done for 25 years, saying that these should speak of her love for him.  Tevya persists asking, “But Golda do you love me?” she responds “I suppose I do!”  to which Tevya responds “And I suppose I love you too!”

For me this says more of the love that I feel for my wife than anything else I can think of at this time.  It is the love of committment, committment to a life together, raising children of being a support and a partner.  But romantic love……..

Never…

… for the sake of peace and quiet, deny your own experience or convictions.  The only kind of dignity which is genuine is that which is not diminished by the indifference of others.  Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.

Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top.  Then you will see how low it was.

Dag Hammarskjold (1905-1961)

Eulogies…

Yesterday we went to the funeral of a good friend.  She had been our daughters day-care mum for 5 years and was loved by the whole family.  She died 6 weeks to the day after being diagnosed with melanoma.  Even though she was only in her early 60’s the service was filled with joy and celebration of her.  Her daughters spoke with great love, passion and emotion for their mother.

It made me think, I wonder what would be said at my funeral.  What if I died today, what would be said?  Or perhaps in 10 years time or 20 years time? Will my children speak of me with the love that hers did, what if take the step out of the marriage, would they be there to speak of me?

While the step that I must take in the future will destroy my family as it is today, I hope and pray that each of us are strong enough to rebuild it into something new.  Something more positive for each of us.

 

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage” (Seneca)

I thank my friend (throughthestorm) for the wonderful quotes of encouragement.   For the past few weeks I have prayed constantly for courage and strength… I have discovered these in strange places… especially here on www…..

Last week I had the joy of being away from my family for the week, I use this term of joy hesitantly.  Every six months I (autumn and spring) I travel interstate to attend workshops.  This time I went alone (I usually go with a friend), on the way I removed my wedding ring and left it in my car for a week.  During that week in the workshop, I made a point of not referring to my wife or children.  I was amazed, when the women next to me opened up about her son being gay, she asked for advice on ho to handle it!!! When I asked her why she asked me, she apologised and said she was sorry she had assumed………………… I kindly told her not to worry and talked about how I would like to be treated by my family. I never told her I was gay, married or otherwise.  At dnner one evening the person sitting next to me also assumed that I was gay!!!

If it is so obvious to others how can my wife not recognise this….. or does she…..

On the way home from the workshop I visited a gay venue in Brisbane, I have been a few times before and usualy watch the porn and then leave, but this time a young man asked me to go with him to a room… we had 3 fantastic hours together, he was considerate, passionate, kind and most of all had an amazingly beautiful smile.

Returning from this week of freedom, topped off by meeting an amazing young man, I found myself in the depths of depression.  Nothing makes sense.  To have spent time alone, reflecting being me! To spend time with someone and find such a sexual connection! Then to return to the reality of life as made me feel empty.

How can a life that is so full of activity and structure feel so empty? How can I feel as if there is nothing inside me but this huge black void.  

Today, I felt throughthestorms words with me each step of the way….. sometimes even to live is an act of courage… all day those words were there.  I realised that at the moment, just to continue is taking courage, strength and will power…. courage to keep going, to think of tomorrow, however far away it may be.

Vivir con miedo, es como vivir a medias!

How Low….

I wonder how low it is possible to feel.

Today I feel so down, so low as if there is just no point in exitisting any more.  There is no silver lining, there is no way forward, a concrete wall is blocking the light, the warmth of the sun, any way to move on…

… at least that is how I feel today… alone, lonely, without a friend… without the warmth of the sun…

Today….

Today a friend has come out to his wife as being gay… following a “cathartic” start to the process, there has been in some ways a positive outcome, they will take each day at a time to work out what the future holds.

I really wonder what will happen when my time comes… is there a way of knowing… once those words are uttered “I am gay… ” it will open such a Pandora’s box.  How will my wife react, how will she view the 23 years of our marriage, as a sham, as something that gave value?  How will she view me, as the person who destroys her dreams, her life, her happy family, or someone who gave hope? 

The stress of not knowing what the future holds, is huge.  It is a wall infront of me everytime I try to move forward, I see the wall of my gayness and my marriage right there in front of me.  It stops me from feeling, from relaxing, from being me.